Over the years I slowly stopped advertising bridal commissions, despite having designed wedding gowns for many clients, including my own.
The wedding industry can be rewarding, emotional and creatively fulfilling, but it also comes with enormous pressure, unrealistic expectations and intense emotional labour.
This article explains why I now only accept a very limited number of bridal projects, under very specific conditions.
First of all, I do make dresses for a very select number of brides. I only have a different contract to make sure we’re aligned and I have the right space to work while keeping my mental health.
Second: I have the highest consideration for those able to endure the work in the bridal environment, especially considering how it is developing. You usually can swallow very bitter bites with a smile, and though sometimes it would be a useful skill, I am not built in a way that can happily survive it very often.
Why should you listen to someone who does not primarily work in bridal couture?
Because for more than a decade, under the name Grimilde Malatesta, I have been designing and creating historical and fantasy garments for clients from all over the world.
Quite often, those garments ended up becoming wedding dresses.
And over the years, the difference between bridal commissions and every other kind of commission became impossible not to notice.
Yes, I used to make wedding dresses
I used to. I used to design bridal dresses, I have even made my own (out of budget restraints) and I have made several dresses not intended to be bridal ones, which have been worn while getting married.
The wedding market can be very lucrative, but it is also very high in pressure, and over the years I ended up not advertising things as “bridal” anymore.
The glittering promise of bridal couture
When you start working for a bride to be, you are usually dealing with a person sparkling as much joy as possible. Enthusiasm is over the roof, eyes are watering, and usually the wedding gown is the moment in a person’s life when they allow themselves to spend more than they ever would for a single dress, and maybe to dare to wear a big ballgown they think they’d never have the chance to wear in their lifetime otherwise.
From the designer and maker’s point of view, you feel like a fairy godmother more than ever. The power to make someone immensely happy is within your hands, your work has been chosen over hundreds of other makers, and if you’re at the beginning, you hope that the guests, seeing your beautiful work, will bring you more work.
But, like every marriage, the proposal is magical, then starts the preparation phase, which is less idyllic. Things get real, many things need to happen at a certain time, you need to have experience and patience, sometimes you end up being a therapist more than a seamstress, and sometimes you really wish the person would go to a therapist, instead of hoping a single dress can be magic enough to make them finally love themselves. “But hey, no pressure, I really love your work, I am sure you can do it!”. Sometimes brides unconsciously expect the dress to solve insecurities that go far beyond clothing.
Too deep? Too fast? Too harsh?
Everything has to be perfect (and that’s the problem with bridal)
This is the real core of the issue. At some point pressure and anxiety build up, and suddenly the bride is at the fitting, sees her body is different from that in the inspo pic, realizes real things are never perfect and this is where the dressmaker’s therapy bill increases, and why bridal gowns are overpriced. And they are not, really. In many cases. But let’s proceed.
The issue is that when you started making plans you were in that pink glasses phase where the proposal just went through and the idea of the perfect and unique wedding that will be better than all others was not something negative yet. Not all brides are like these, but in 90% of cases, at some point, the stress of having to organize everything (or have to deal with the wedding planner), and the expectations of the friends, the mom, the mother in law and their own, becomes a huge thing to carry. Oh, how many brides I have seen that got to the altar so stressed they could not enjoy the wedding!
The wedding is not actually about you
Even if they keep telling you that.
In my personal opinion, as someone who- surprisingly- did not bridezilla-out for her wedding at all, and got to a blissful state of “I don’t care, it will be fine anyway”, the point is that as long as the wedding is the glorification of the bride, we’re all going to be miserable.
Modern weddings often become performances of success, beauty, status or personal fulfillment, and that pressure can quietly consume the joy of the event itself. If you’re using your wedding to sell the image of yourself to others or to yourself, we are probably not the right fit to work together.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the groom (or bride). I realize now it really sounds not as I intended it… anyway: the purpose of a wedding is celebrating love. And on that day it should be such a blinding one that nothing else matters. Not you, not your dress, not the venue, not the flowers or anything. If you choose to get married in a world where marriage is not mandatory to have rights as a couple, it should be the celebration of the love you both feel and of how silly it is to promise to be forever together when you have no idea what life will throw at you.
Please don’t center everything on you, and just give them the address of the tailor. It is not a very good start. And makes it a bit awkward. Putting love at the centre gives you perspective: they sent you the wrong flowers and there’s no time to change? Who cares? The shoes did not arrive on time? Who cares? The hairstylist did not do what you asked, despite the test? You’ll deal with it later. You can’t allow these things to take away the ability of being absolutely happy the day you get married with the person you love. “With”, not “to”.In this the Italian language is better.
All kinds of accidents happen, when preparing for weddings. It will never be absolutely perfect.
That said, if you agree with a professional to have a certain result and thighs are delivered differently from what stated in contracts, you should not ignore it, but maybe deal with it later. Nitpicking on details on a strict deadline is not going to help. Shouting will not help. Deal with things later, with calm, professionalism and respect. Surely all the people involved did their very best and did not have the intention of making your wedding less magical. We’re just all humans, and all things happen. To you, and to us. We will always try to fix them, but not everything is in our control.
Your Dress Is Important. So Is Everyone Else’s
I know. This sounds harsh and counterproductive on my side. Many potential wedding customers will go elsewhere. And it’s fine with me. I don’t need all the money people want to give me, I just need enough to be happy. And it can shrink to a rather small number. I am not here to scale my business or to win at capitalism. I just want a happy and serene life.
So you are not more important than the person who ordered a dress the month before you. You want yours for a wedding? They ordered theirs after saving for months as well, dreaming to feel like a fairy or a Victorian lady for ages. They may have deadlines as well.
That said, I usually schedule wedding commissions with huge advances (18 to 24 months) to make sure to have all the time for fittings and fixes. But your dress is the most important to you. Not to me. To me all my creations are important, and I strive to give my best to everyone choosing to purchase my work.
And, it is a dress. I deal in dresses. And wigs. I no longer work in healthcare. And one of my professors used to say: “We physiotherapists do not deal with life or death matters, we can relax”. Puts all in perspective. Dresses can bring a lot of happiness, but crucial things in life are others, and I am happy working with the superfluous and frivolous. Because no one needs art to live, though you need it to make your life worth living.
No group fittings, no friends, no mothers, no grooms
“Can I bring my mom?”.
No.
“And my friends?”.
No.
While I welcome other people when working as a photographer, I only want you and the mirror, when we do fittings and when I deliver the dress.
Why?
Because all kinds of dynamics otherwise happen. I started the job working with a person, discussed the goal together and agreed on the details. And then you have the friend who has to show they know more and nitpick on every single detail even though they never had a thimble on their finger. The mother at the final fitting, who insisted on a super high stiletto heel, when you agreed on the first meeting to a 4cm one. The mother in law that insists you have a different type of sleeve, even though you hate it, and you feel crushed to be respectful. And then there are group dynamics. Ready to inject insecurities where there was serenity just a moment earlier.
If you want the “say yes to the dress” experience, I am simply not the right artisan: you will be happier working with someone else. I will instead protect you. I am able to make one person happy. I am not able to make everyone happy, especially when I have to deal with people I have not built the project with. When these dynamics happen, they usually bring a happy bride-to-be into someone stressed, insecure and disconnected from their original vision.
You may be the exception, you may promise it won’t happen. But you can’t promise for other people, and the person who will come to the last fitting, all stressed and pressured, is very different from the one making the promise when the dress was merely a sketch.
You Are Hiring My Taste, Not Just My Sewing
The last issue of the bride is that you have to make decisions. Meaning you have to pick a single dress.
When you’re not used to designing dresses, you think you can fit everything in a single piece. Good bust support and a completely open back, a large princess skirt, but without hoops or tulle or crinoline… this is where my expertise and experience come in hand. And where you need to trust the professional you picked.
In a mind that is not used to design dresses certain things look great. But not everything is feasible. I know it because I have tried and failed. Putting mentos candies in a shrimp soup does not give you a nice dish, even if they’re both great on their own. In this case I am the cook. I know what flavors build up each other to create something gorgeous.
This is why I don’t accept custom commissions anymore. My mind, my taste, are an asset. I am not a pair of hands to use because you don’t sew. I am the whole package.
My current workflow already allows me to focus on projects aligned with my aesthetic and working method. I have very little time and availability, and I prefer to spend them in making things I personally find rewarding in the process as well.
If you’re looking for someone to bring your specific idea to life, I am simply not the right person. There will surely be a skilled artisan to help you in your path, I am just not them.
If You Read All This and Still Want to Work With Me
Time for a closure that lightens the mood, right? Clear boundaries allow me to do my best work and create a healthier experience for both sides.
That said, if all the things above sound reasonable, don’t be afraid of getting in touch, to make one of the available designs your special dress. I really look forward to it!
You can find the currently available designs HERE.
Oh, and you may also be lucky, and find something you love in the ready to ship pieces, HERE.
While HERE is where you can read more about my process and HERE is all you need to know about splitting the payment.
